06 Mar 09 The karma School of driving

This hilarious article was written by a Dutchman who spent two years
in Bangalore , India , as a visiting expert.
A little long article but really hilarious!!!

Driving in Bangalore / India

For the benefit of every Tom, Dick and Harry visiting India and
daring to drive on Indian roads, I am offering a few hints
For survival. They are applicable to every place in India except
Bihar , where life outside a vehicle is only marginally safer.

Indian road rules broadly operate within the domain of karma where
you do your best, and leave the results to your insurance company.
The hints are as follows:

Do we drive on the left or right of the road?
The answer is “both”. Basically you start on the left of the road,
unless it is occupied. In that case, go to the right, unless that is
also occupied
.
Then proceed by occupying the next available gap, as in chess.
Just trust your instincts, ascertain the direction, and
Proceed. Adherence to road rules leads to much misery and
occasional fatality.  Most drivers don’t drive, but just aim their
vehicles in the generally intended direction.

Don’t you get discouraged or underestimate yourself except for a
belief in reincarnation; the other drivers are not in any better
position. Don’t
stop at pedestrian crossings just because some fool wants to cross the
road. You may do so only if you enjoy being bumped in the back.

Pedestrians have been strictly instructed to cross only when traffic
is moving slowly or has come to a dead stop because some minister is
in town.Still some idiot may try to wade across, but then, let us not
talk ill of the dead.

Blowing your horn is not a sign of protest as in some countries. We
horn to express joy, resentment, frustration, romance and bare lust
(two brisk
blasts),or just mobilize a dozing cow in the middle of the bazaar.
Keep informative books in the glove compartment. You may read them
during traffic jams,while awaiting the chief minister’s motorcade, or
waiting for the
rainwater to recede when over ground traffic meets underground drainage.

Occasionally you might see what looks like a UFO with blinking colored
lights and weird sounds emanating from within. This is an illuminated
bus,
full of happy pilgrims singing bhajans. These pilgrims go at breakneck
speed, seeking contact with the Almighty, often meeting with success.

Auto Rickshaw (Baby Taxi): The result of a collision between a
rickshaw and an automobile, this three-wheeled vehicle works on an
external combustion engine that runs on a mixture of kerosene oil and
creosote. This triangular vehicle carries iron rods, gas cylinders or
passengers three times its weight and dimension, at an unspecified
fare. After careful geometric calculations, children are folded and
packed into these auto rickshaws until some children in the periphery
are not in contact with the vehicle at all. Then their school bags are
pushed into the microscopic gaps all round so those minor collisions
with other vehicles on the road cause no permanent damage. Of course,
the
peripheral children are charged half the fare and also learn Newton ’s laws
of
motion enroute to school. Auto-rickshaw drivers follow the road rules
depicted in the film Ben Hur, and are licensed to irritate.

Mopeds: The moped looks like an oil tin on wheels and makes noise like
an electric shaver. It runs 30 miles on a teaspoon of petrol and
travels at
break-bottom speed. As the sides of the road are too rough for a ride,
the moped drivers tend to drive in the middle of the road;they would
rather
drive under heavier vehicles instead of around them and are often
“mopped” off the tarmac.

Leaning Tower of Passes: Most bus passengers are given free passes and
during rush hours, there is absolute mayhem. There are passengers
hanging off other passengers, who in turn hang off the railings and
the overloaded bus leans dangerously, defying laws of gravity but
obeying laws of surface tension. As drivers get paid for overload (so
many Rupees per kg of passenger), no questions are ever asked. Steer
clear of these buses by a  width of three passengers.

One-way Street: These boards are put up by traffic people to add jest
in their otherwise drab lives. Don’t stick to the literal meaning and
proceed  in one direction. In metaphysical terms, it means that you
cannot proceed in two directions at once. So drive as you like, in
reverse throughout, if you are the fussy type. Least I sound
hypercritical,I must add a positive point also. Rash and fast driving
in residential areas has been prevented  by providing a “speed
breaker”; two for each house. This mound, incidentally, covers the
water and drainage pipes for that residence and is left untarred for
easy identification by the corporation authorities, should they want
to recover the pipe for year-end accounting.

Night driving on Indian roads can be an exhilarating experience for
those with the mental make up of Genghis Khan. In a way, it is like
playing  Russian roulette, because you do not know who amongst the
drivers is loaded. What looks like premature dawn on the horizon turns
out to be a truck attempting a speed record. On encountering it, just
pull partly into the field adjoining the road until the phenomenon
passes.

Our roads do not have shoulders, but occasional boulders.Do not blink
your lights expecting reciprocation. The only dim thing in the truck
is  the driver, and with the peg of illicit arrack (alcohol) he has
had at the last stop, his total cerebral functions add up to little
more than a naught. Truck drivers are the James Bonds of India, and
are licensed to kill. Often you may encounter a single powerful beam
of light about six  feet above the ground. This is not a super
motorbike, but a truck approaching you with a single light on, usually
the left one.It could be the right one, but never get too close to
investigate. You may prove your point posthumously

Tags: destiny, Driving, Indian Roads, Karma, School, Truck